And I refuse to sleep

Monday, January 12, 2009

A little sorry for everyone, actually I'd like to post a continuation of my previous post, because it's not ends there. There are still lot of things to wrote, and I haven't finished it..

And well actually I got little distractions, I experienced a thing called collective dreaming (that's my own). I ever experienced this when I was a little kid where I awoke in dreams as another person, not me, not myself.

I was an illegal immigrant who tried to get inside the ship, Titanic (why Titanic?? I don't know exactly, but I just know that it was Titanic). I hid inside a wooden crate and I lost sense of time when I was there until I heard that people's voices panicking and I understand that the ship's drowning..

I'm trying to find my mom who hid in another crate, and then I saw my mom (and my mom isn't my mother in the real world, she was a different person and she called me not with my name, it's someone else's name but somehow I reacted like it was really my name.

We were trapped inside the ship's storage with other immigrants and I don't recall how we survived. I just remember there are group of small boats with candles at both end of each ships.

We reached the shore and finally a small town, from the people and the shape of the houses it looks like I'm in the 19th century town..

Suddenly after these horrible things happened, there's a running festival in the town, I was one of the participants, as the race goes by, I can recall no more details about the dream..

And it's morning already..

Okay, here are some things that I'd like to explain.

Well I have this dream not because I have just watched Titanic (you know, I was very young back then and my parents wouldn't allow me to watch Titanic), so it doesn't have anything to do with excitements after watching some movies or something like that.

And the era, yes.. It looks like it was in the 19th century, I wore clothes like an English paperboy in the 19th century..

Well, what I'm trying to say that, I experience the same experience in dreaming, where I have continuous conciseness like I was somewhere else and experience those kinds of feelings. But for this one, I wasn't really another person, and I can still feel the dream's sensation even after I woke.

I know you might say it's a normal thing when we experience such different sensation and we can still felt it when we woken up. Well I know the 'normal thing' in dreaming! I have experienced that as well, I ever dreamt about fighting with my brother and I suddenly woke up, with the emotional sensation that's still in my head, I punched my brother who was sleeping beside me.. hahaha..

But these dreams that I was talking about, are different, it's not just some kinds of attached emotions from the dreams. It's like creating collective consciousness in your head..

And how does it feel?? It feels a little pleasant but also terrible.

Dreams have always been like that, it taunts you everyday. I'd like to refuse sleep, but my body won't allow me to..

Things called Pride and Happiness

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Most people that know me might have wondering, why am I desperately trying to behave, creating things, or maybe think radically.

Maybe everyone would say and think the same thing like what I just said, especially youngsters. It is obvious that being young made us wanting to be different, to be emerge, to be special.

I am still young and I do wanted to be different while dreaming about being last forever.

But why do we all wanted to be different? Well for this one, I believed that I have a significant different reason than other youngsters. Then what is it?

Let's first talk about happiness. What is happiness? my definition for happiness is a pleasant feeling of being in certain conditions.

For parents, their happiness are their children, when their children born, when they children achieve something that can make them proud, etc.

For lovers, happiness is when they're being with their loved ones, while sharing something with their loved ones.

For scientists and professors, when they discovered or invented something new from their long tiring research.

So many kinds of happiness..

For me, happiness is when I'm doing something that I really wanted to do. It's something that I can be proud for because I'm putting myself into it.

I don't mind all these restrictions or even skeptical faces that people gave me because of my actions.

I have a bad habit for doing difficult things while I can did it in an easier way. I can just take the easier way, but mostly I did a more difficult way.

Why? Maybe because I wanted to prove myself.. Or maybe the easier way didn't make me interested enough to took that way. Maybe in the next time when there are changes in my interests and considerations that made me more interested in doing things with that particular way (which also would have turned more difficult.. Yeah, yeah, it's the domino effect of chances and it's mechanism).

For example, why am I doing a design work that's definitely put me into a disadvantaged position?

That's because I wanted to do it!

Why bother, doing things that we don't wanted to?

Is it because most people are afraid to take risk? As for my people, Indonesian, we have a wise words that saying, "jangan mengharap hujan dilangit, air di tempayan di curahkan", literally means, "don't hope for the rain to come, and threw away the water in the jar".

That wise words means, don't threw away any chances available just because we are expecting the best to come.

Well yes, it teaches people to be realistic, to play safe. That's why most people are okay by only having (what they called) enough water in the jar, than tons of water out there which amounts are incomparable to the jar..

That's why most people only took chances available, not trying to get what they body and mind tells them to do and get what they really want!

As for me, I don't want to play safe, it's a real discomfort when I'm into something that I'm not interested into. I'd rather failing than success in something that I'm not.

I always trying to do what's my best interest is. I am a proud idealist.

I know that sometimes I have to become more realistic in certain conditions.

However, I did these realistic things on my own ideal way, that's when I clashed with a greater reality that's swallowed my gut and spirit of an ideal thing I dreamt.

Most of the times I tried to think and put myself in a condition where I can revise and reconsider all these actions I made. Lots of regrets, indeed.. But I don't mind, because I'm doing what's my best interests are.

It is true that best interests may change in time and by the influences of other people. These things also made me think, what my best interests actually are?

I always trying to do filtering on all those influences I gained from other people that might obstruct my views and my best interests.

Sometimes I said to myself, "is this really what I wanted...?"

These grey hairs in my head might be produced from those thoughts. I am a perfectionist, I'd like to do something in perfection.

I know that nobody could do things perfectly or lived in perfect ideals.

I do build fake personalities, because I thought that I can't achieve perfection.

Watch my words, it's personalities, not personality.. Yes, I do build multi-layered of personalities.

I believed that even the most honest me is still a lie..

Let's wrap it it up. It is obvious that the reason why I do things differently because I'm happy just by doing it. It is the happiness for me..

When I'm into something that are my best interests, I don't mind if people destroy me, because I believed, in the end, when I achieved the perfection in the future, I can be proud of it and I can brag about it to everyone.. Hurrayyy!!!

Orders, Da Vinci, and Myself

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I admired Da Vinci and his works, everybody does.. But honestly, beside my admiration to his works, I hate him as well.

Most people will ask, why? The reason is, envy, jealousy, yes it is..

We all know how great Da Vinci is, how he think far off to the future than the people from this era. But it's just unfair, all these inventions, ideas, and works he did, most of them are brilliants. And it all came from one man, Leonardo Da Vinci.

And people today always think Da Vinci as a gifted person. Maybe he is, but now, just listen..

I was working on an architectural assignment few months ago, I was tasked to design a teahouse on a hilltop in a place where most of the people, works on the tea plantations around.

Considering that most people there works on tea plantations, which the tea might have considered as treasure for them. Based on the idea of tea as treasure cued me into the idea of sinking-cantilevered teahouse on the edge of the hilltop.

I did planning based from the form of two rotated rectangles, not squares (the shape of Star of Bethlehem, like the plan idea for Petronas Twin Tower in Kuala Lumpur), and these rectangles are not actually fit into each other, I modified the geometric shape in order to solve the problem of limited space given while I'm trying to solve other problems as well.

Then I added the entrance of which inspired from the Apple Store in Madison Square, NY. The glass box structure and a staircase that leads people into the store, or my teahouse in this case.

The studio master approved this idea, but he insisted me on having symmetrical two squares planning like the Petronas Twin Tower than two rectangles planning that I did. Because the entry stairs I planned to made were spiral stairs, he said it would be much nicer if it's located in the middle of such symmetrical planning.

I believed that he is right, but he forgot the maximum space he gave for this particular building. I'm not that's stupid enough to do this kind of planning if he space weren't this limited and the terrains are fit enough for the idea he insisted me on.

Well that's not the problem.. The real problems came on the presentation day.

Okay, I wrote all the descriptions and titles not using architectural fonts, not even standard fonts, I created my own fonts that looks a bit like symbols and I inverted the title like the Da Vinci writings. I did this on purpose, because this tea house I designed came up from the idea of 'treasure'.

I remembered my studio master said that he wanted a unique presentation, not a formal one, or technical one. He even commented on other student who did the presentation board quite technically.

I was a kind of content, knowing that my presentation board is quite unique. BUT, the studio master didn't like it, he asked me on what purpose I did these writings, I told him the reasons but he didn't buy it and he even commented on the inverted title of which he cannot read. Okay, the title is my mistake then.. Lets continue first.

Then he said, it's okay for this time, but he won't see any of these fonts and writings.

There is a female part-time lecturer who also commented on my work. Okay, she did understand the idea of these writings.

She asked my why did the plan were based on these two rotated rectangles, not rotated squares (again!?).

I explained to her that it was derived from the idea of a treasure vault, the initial idea were two squares, but based on many considerations, I turned them into rectangles and..bla..bla.. (like I explained before..).

Well, she didn't buy it, simply because she didn't like the plan, not because my reason is unreasonable. I told her all considerations possible that turned the plan into these two rotated rectangles.

Then she gave such a nonsense answer. She said that I have to follow orders (not orders from a lecturer), she said that the plan should have been two rotated squares, and I cannot made it into rotated rectangles because square is the correct order, like our body made in certain order and scales, or math 1+1 is 2.

Then she said, "don't try to make something out of the orders just because you wanted to look different, like these inverted writings (Da Vinci). God has made Da Vinci's brain with such gifts that he could create his own orders".

Okay, and it's insulting me actually, does she simply means that I desperately trying to look different? And I will never be able to surpass Da Vinci? Is Da Vinci that special?? I believed, that I AM special, I can create my own orders, like Da Vinci did.

I did these inverted writings while fully knowing that Da Vinci did this kind of writings before, but I have my own reason and it has nothing to do with Da Vinci.

And orders that she said, body scale? maths? Yes, we cannot changed them, but this is just a geometric shape, we can freely changed the shape, it has nothing to do with these 'orders' she said. Even Le Corbusier, father of modern architecture ever designed an inverted roof, of which the lowest part is in the middle while roofs should have it's lowest part on their edges.

Humankind can never achieved technology like today if we never tried to create our own order!

In the end of the day, the marks for my design is C+, I asked the studio master why I only got C+?

He said, it's my writings. What the hell!? But he previously said that it was okay, but only for that particular project. And now he gave me C+ because of these writings and fonts I made? He didn't even comment anything about the building, whether the building quality is bad, I didn't follow some requirements, etc. What an unreasonable judgement!

I tried to protest, and I said "Frank Lloyd Wright (an architect) also ever did his own fonts on his presentation board"

And another word comes up of which a lecturer should never say, he said "you are not Frank Lloyd Wright". A lecturer said that to a student? Which means that if you are famous then you will be able to create things by your own. It's the same thing as Da Vinci issue that I was talking about.

Then I replied back, "so if I'm famous I can do anything sir? (even if the quality is poor, people would always said that it's great).

But he turned away from the topic by quickly talking to other lecturer nearby..

Disappointing it is, I hate the idea of 'you are famous, you are wealthy, and you can do anything'.

Let's return to Da Vinci. Maybe yes, he is gifted and his works are amazing. But why doesn't anyone ever think that these praises were made for his fame, not because that his works are really brilliant? He might have few brilliant works, where he gained his fame from, but then people would think that all of his works are brilliant. He is not all original, even he himself borrows the idea of Vitruvian Man from Vitruvius. And most people who know nothing just keep on praising him and his works.

See, the book (and film) The Da Vinci Code, why it's not The 'someone else's' Code?

Well that's how most people fascinated by fame.. Trying not to be a hypocrite, maybe even me, myself also fascinated by his fame as well..

notes: if it's possible, I would scanned my presentation board and upload it here. But it's not possible for the moment because of few problems and issues.. haha..

The Excitement Mechanism

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I've been thinking lately about the excitement mechanism.. It always moves in a simple pattern. What kind of simple pattern? Let me explain it to you..

We, humankind, will first find certain interest for ourselves (let's just call these many interests with 'it'). The closer into we are into 'it' and the more we understand 'it' will get us all excited.

And we are all fully understand that everything have it limits. These interests, will always made people more and more excited about 'it' until we reach the maximum excitement possible or the climax, the limit of 'it'. Then what comes next? Of course a dead end, or a fall down. We might get confused what to do next, or even lost our motivations and interest in 'it'.

Other example, our planet, we keep on build, build, and build it, we decorated our homes, we fill it with our own inventions, we shown our superiority to other inhabitants of our planet. But in the end, these achievements, these prides will be destroyed and we can do nothing about it. Just like the excitement itself, the more we excited, the more me reached the climax, and nothing left after that. The more we build, the faster we will be destroyed.

It's impossible to prevent everything from 'it's own end.. Then why bother rushing? Why don't we just slow down the progress? That way we can get a longer excitement and hopefully we'll get ourselves enough excitement before 'it' ends.

Before our world collapsing.. Isn't it?

Posting Revival

Phew, I think that this blog has been neglected for a long time...

And yes, I stopped writing, not long after I created this blog. But now, I intended to revive this blog!! hurrraay!!!! okay, just relax, some posts will be up soon!!